Home for the Summer

I posted on my new blog address today.
You can read about the
7 Ways I was Intentional with My College Girl this Summer right here!

Sometimes Being a Mom is Hard

I am over at Moms.FortWayne.Com today.
To read about the challenges we moms
sometimes feel, click here.

My Time with Mr. Trouble

With Zach and Erin off at church camp this week and Courtney working all day, its just me and Mr. Trouble at home all day, every day, all week. I'm gonna be honest, I was not looking forward to this. In fact, quite selfishly I was trying to figure out if there was a camp I could send him to this week. (I know, real Young Mother of the Year material right there). I was envisioning me at home all day, every day, all week...all by myself.

But I have to say its been a nice week with just him. I am grateful for the time we have had together. When school let out two weeks ago, his spirit relaxed and day to day interactions have been more pleasant. I have him signed up for a conditioning class three mornings a week at the high school and that is going really well. I believe it adds structure to his week, and the hard exercise is probably good for his whole being. I also have him make a weekly chart of daily goals. I think its important for him to set some goals so that he feels like he is accomplishing something.

In errands we have been running, he has been very helpful to me and even expressed gratitude when I bought him a hot dog and some ice-cream the other day. He swept the front porch for me last evening and asked if we could put the clean sheets on his bed together. 

He was working a few days ago with a mentor of his and Kyler told him his summer was going great. When Mr. Carroll asked him why he thought that was, Kyler said it was because Zach was gone, and then added that Erin was gone and that Courtney was working all day. (Now at that time Zach and Erin had been gone 1.5 days, not the entire summer!)

When I told this to my sister, she said, what he really was saying was that he is happy for the time with just me. He just said it without saying it. He's fiercely loyal to his birth mom and has a very hard time attaching to me, but this was his way of expressing a connection to me without really saying it.
Hmmmmm....

Whatever the feeling, whatever the reason, I am glad for this week. I have shared some tough times here with Mr. Trouble, and so I was excited to share that this week he has been known to me as Mr. Enjoyment.

Another Request Presented

Our baby girl sat us down for her first presentation the other night. She wants a Facebook, which we have said she could have when she reaches high school (in the fall), but she is advocating for permission to get one now.

So she gathered her thoughts, put together a PowerPoint, sent it to her sister for initial response, and then asked for a specific time to meet with us for her presentation. The more times we go through this process the more I am convinced this is one of the best parenting tools to utilize.

We learned a lot through her presentation. We learned that her strongest reason for wanting to get one now is that she has five friends moving out of state this summer and sees this as a way to keep in touch with them as they each already have Facebooks.We also learned in this culture many invitations happen through Facebook and she misses out on some stuff because of this. Hmmmmm....I didn't know this.

She walked us through the privacy settings she plans on putting in place - it was good to know she had thought about this part of the process as well. She said she would give us her password, and follow the guidelines we already have in place for her older siblings.

She told us she didn't need a Facebook to know how many friends she had or if she was popular or not, and that her goal is not to see how many friends she can get. She is so wise. She also said she knows other friends get together outside of school without her so she is prepared to see pictures of her friends together, without her. Again, so wise. Some of us adults would do well to really think about the pros and cons of Facebook and decided if we are mature enough to handle the status updates, pictures and other social dilemmas that social networking brings.

If you have never asked your kids to present their requests to you in a well thought out format, I would encourage you to consider it. We have been impressed each time with how much thought our kids have put into these requests. And maybe, just maybe, its possible that the act of having to gather their thoughts to present their requests makes them more intentional and causes them to think beyond simply getting what they want. And maybe, just maybe, we can be convinced to change our minds.

Click here and here to read more about Presenting Your Request.

Making Room

Our family has grown ~ it happened while Courtney was at college.

As we were driving to pick her up and move her back home for the summer, I realized there had been much growth over the past nine months. We need to make room not only for all the stuff coming back home, (where are we going to put that futon?) but we are going to need to make room for all the growth as well.

Erin grew into her spot as the only other woman in the house. She became even more helpful, more intuitive, and grew in responsibility and maturity. She grew into herself a little more, she is more confident and carries herself a little taller. Her relationship and even friendship with Zach definitely grew, I see her rely on him in ways she hadn't before. I have heard them laugh and seen them help each other in new ways these past nine months. She sobbed when her sister and best-friend moved out, but now rejoices as she makes room for her to come back and share her room again.

Zach also grew - he stands not only taller, but sturdier as well. He easily slid into the leader of the pack spot when Courtney went to college. He grew in reliability and strength. His shoulders became broader not only physically but relationally. I saw him use them to allow Erin to lean into him when things with Kyler have been chaotic. I remember one day in particular when Kyler went into a rage, Zach cheerfully said, "Hey Erin, let's go outside and play catch." He knew to remove his little sister from the environment that felt a little scary. He has grown in his faith and even in character. Also, in a few short weeks he receives his license and we will need to make room in the drivers seat as we go from two to four drivers. 

Courtney is not the same young woman we left in that dorm room nine months ago. She grew so much this year. She, too, is much more confident. She returns with wisdom and life experience gained while forging her way through life while away from us. She comes back to us with new personal strength as well as cooking skills! (She has requested to make dinner twice this week ~ I'm not gonna kid you, this is an area that delights me!) She drinks coffee now, is used to keeping her own hours, and to coming and going without checking in. She has grown in ways that have changed her at the right time and in the right ways.

Our family is growing, and this must propel us forward. We must expand and widen who we are and how we see each other to make room for all this growth. I will write my thoughts about that next time....

(Kyler has grown as well. To be honest, as I sat down to write this I was discouraged to not be able to measure his growth in obvious ways, but I realize one significant growth area. When we brought Courtney to college, he was not allowed to go with us, his behavior was such that he would have ruined this important and significant day for the family. (It was on the advice of his therapist that we find an alternative way for him to spend that day) When we made plans to move her back home, we didn't even question taking him with us. It felt good to have our family together that day and so I do measure and count that growth.)

Where's the Money?

Field trips are not my favorite thing (this confession brought to you by the 2010 National Young Mother of the Year...just another reality check here on that title), but I do love the 8th Grade Junior Achievement Finance Park field trip. I believe this is the most important field trip the kids in our district participate in at this age.

Upon arrival at Lincoln Finance Park, they receive an envelope which states their life situation for the day. They discover their age, if they are single or married, whether or not they have kids, occupation, annual income, and taxes to be paid. From that information they will set a budget based on minimum and maximum amounts for each budget category, and they will receive many, many options for purchases. Such as for the house and vehicle they will purchase, (along with corresponding insurance). They will budget for clothing, entertainment, a benefits package, groceries, home improvements, utilities and more.

It's incredible to watch these teenagers struggle to make decisions about which house to buy, how much to budget for eating out, why they cant buy the sports car - because of the need for car seats. In general just struggling with how much things cost. Its amazing to see them grasp what is must be like for their parents as they come and ask for money for clothes, movies, pizza, and more. The realization of where that money comes from was happening.

At the end of the day, with budgets stretched and cutbacks made, the Junior Achievement leader asked if there were things that parents have to budget for that were not on their budget sheets today. Their answers again showed the clarity they had gained....YES. Vacations, birthday and Christmas presents, gasoline to name a few. One kid said that when his parents say no to something, he now understands why.

When I asked some of the kids in my group if they received budgets or allowance, they all said no. When I asked them  how they get money to go to movies or to buy things, they said they just ask for money and their parents give it to them....check back here tomorrow to find out what I suggested to them!

The Power of the Presentation

Kevin and I received a PowerPoint presentation the other night from Courtney. She is planning her second year of college and wants to move to a new dorm...which will add to the college bill. While she is responsible for a portion of her tuition, we pay the balance, so adding to the bill without a discussion would certainly lead to a discussion!

She texted us to ask that we jump on Skype. Once we were all on, she pulled up a PowerPoint and walked us through each slide. I have shared previously about the process of presenting requests, (see link below) and once again I was made aware of why I think this process is valuable.

• Articulating what you want is a foundational skill to have ~ in a family, friendship, marriage or the work environment.  Her presentations have always begun with what she is trying to achieve and why.
• Presenting an understanding of what it will take to achieve your desired outcome is also an important skill to have. This helps you create a plan for yourself, and if it involves others, it shows an understanding of the cost or consequence to them. It has meant a lot to us that she has been able to see beyond what she wants and consider our perspective.
• Putting together a written plan for achieving your outcome is an invaluable skill. It is what will propel you forward. Her plans reveal that she doesn't feel entitled to the outcome for which she is hoping.
• Concluding and waiting for a response is also valuable. Although our culture is an instant, I want it now, I don't have to wait culture...giving time and space for processing allows for a more thoughtful response.

I am sharing this here because as parents, it is our greatest honor and responsibility to guide our children into being responsible, mature adults. Personally, I sense much of the younger culture feels more entitled, less responsible, more independent but less able to stand securely on their own. I believe our process is a tool we use to fight that.

I also believe this process creates a broader view and understanding of desires and helps our children become responsible for moving themselves towards their goals...whether that is getting a pet, going on a trip with friends, or moving to a new, more costly dorm. As our oldest, Courtney has been leading the way in the area of presenting requests and she has blazed the trail in a manner worthy of following.

So Erin, I know you are waiting for this summer (the summer before high school) to get a Facebook page, but instead of just getting one, I believe you will have to gather your thoughts and present your request.
Love, Mom.
P. S.You're welcome.

Click here to read "Present Your Request"

5 New Parenting Responses

Our daughter just went back to college after being home for spring break. The parenting style that was effective when she was a teen living in our home wouldn't be effective now that she is adult-ish and making her way in the world. So I need to grow with her.

One of the things I love about being a mom is the challenge to keep moving. If I stayed in the same place in my parenting, I would be standing alone. To maintain influence in her life, I need to change and grow as well.

Here are a few of the ways I can measure some of my movement:

1.  Letting her sleep until the afternoon without saying anything other than "You must have been tired" (Compare that to, "Don't you think its time to get up?")

2.  Not expecting her home for dinner. The conversation went something like, "What time do you want me home from dinner?" My response was along the lines of, "Well, we are eating at 6:00, but I don't expect you home. I get that you're home on spring break and heading out with friends, if you make it home, great, but if you have other plans, have fun!

3. Though she had an interview in the morning and it was getting late, I did not text her and tell her it was time to come home so she would be well rested. I trusted her to make her own decision.(This one was a little harder, but I did it!)

4. When having a discussion, I was very cognoscente that she trusted me to confide in and that I needed to be trustworthy to respond in a way that drew her near, not pushed her away.

5. I didn't do her laundry. I let it sit all week in her room. I didn't harp on her all week about this.

I am new to this role of parent to a young adult and since she is the one affected by how I live out this position, I value her input.The night before she left to go back to school, we talked about how the week went. With summer on the horizon, it seemed important to ask her if there was anything she felt that didn't go very well. What I love is that she asked me the same question.

Although I am confident I will need to recalculate my navigation on this new path once in awhile, for right now I believe we are headed in the right direction.

I love learning from others, what do you have to share about your journey in parenting a young adult?

Intentional parenting...

...it's one of my passions. I remember this concept coming into focus nine years ago. My oldest was turning nine and I realized at that point that we were half done with our time with her!

Of course, there is more time than that, but I was going on the expectation that she would be leaving for college and my day in and day out living with her would come to an end. That my day in and day out opportunities to guide, influence, smile at, tuck in, look across the room at, hug and reassure were at half-time. This awareness caused my heart to skip a beat, but it also made me even more intentional.

Recently, I had the privilege of speaking to the MOPS group at Sonrise Church about this topic and I referenced several books we have used in our parenting journey. I am putting this list here and what I appreciated about each one.

The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes by Kenneth Taylor
I loved that the stories were simple and short, but what I appreciated most were the three questions at the end of each reading. It provided us an opportunity to talk about the story and ensure comprehension.

Sticky Situations - 365 Devotions for Elementary Kids by Betsy Schmitt

We used this book at dinner as a way to talk about topics that we might not otherwise touch on. Our kids enjoyed it when we pulled this book out.

Praying the Bible for Your Children by Heather and David Kopp
Kevin and I continue to take this book out and pray the prayers written in this book. We love that there is an open space for us to insert our kids names into the prayer and that the prayers are scripture based.

An Introduction to Family Nights: Family Nights Tool Chest By Heritage Builders
This was a really wonderful and creative way to begin some fun and meaningful family interactions. So much fun!

Journey to the Cross by Helen Haidle
This is an exceptional resource to use during the Lent season! We have used this several years in a row. We read it at the dinner table and have learned much about the many symbols of Easter as well as some history and context. (I love when I can learn even as I'm teaching!)

Resurrection Eggs - Not a book but an excellent resource for sure! It's a dozen plastic eggs filled with the symbols of Easter. There are also little stories that explain each symbol. This is when my kids really understood the story and symbols of Easter.

Keep the Siblings, Lose the Rivalry by Dr. Todd Cartmell
I attended one of Dr. Cartmell's workshops when my kids were younger and learned so much! This book is full of great insights and practical family tools. A book I recommend frequently.

The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell
If you have not read the original The Five Love Languages book, I would recommend that as well. This is especially helpful for the marriage. (just sayin')

The current book I am reading and recommending is You're Wearing That? by Deborah Tannen. I am loving this book because it is providing some enlightenment about mother-daughter conversations. I am sure I will write more about this soon.

Now, something fun! A Give Away!! Because I love to share resources, I am inviting you to share about book or other resource you have found helpful in your parenting journey.

Here's the deal:

Leave a comment with your resource name and the reason you liked it. If I receive 25 comments from 25 different people, I will throw all of you in a hat and draw a name. If its you, you can pick one of my resources listed here and I will send you a new copy!

Feel free to share this blog with others to ensure we get 25 comments! I cant wait to hear from you!

Resources shared so far by readers:

1. Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Leman
   Because it keeps us focused on remaining non-emotional, simple, intentional - and letting natural consequences, reality discipline do the work. It just makes sense - simple and intentional.   ~ Myah
2. Parenting Beyond Your Capacity by Reggie Joiner and Carey Nieuwhof. ...because it talks about how our kids benefit as parents partner with the church and vice versa to make a greater impact than those two influences alone...encouraging for me as a mom to think about how my own kids will benefit as I "widen the circle" and intentionally involve other godly adults in their lives. ~ Deanna
3. Interviewing Your Daughter's Date - 8 Steps to No Regrets by Dennis Rainey We LOVE this book because it gives the blueprint to talking to our daughter's dates about her value and our expectations. This can feel like an awkward conversation, but one we cannot be afraid of having.  ~ Sheri Carlstrom
4. Boundaries with Kids by Drs. Cloud & Townsend. It has taught me to be consistent without raising my voice, and how to teach my kids that my no means no regardless of their reaction. ~ Janna
5. Passport2Purity - By Family Life
6. Parenting Today's Adolescent - Helping Your Child Avoid the Traps of the PreTeen and Teen Years by Dennis & Barbara Rainey
7. So You're About to be a Teenager by Dennis & Barbara Rainey. The reason I love these resources(#5,6 & 7) is that they gave us a very deliberate time to have difficult, uncomfortable, hugely important conversations that might otherwise be easy to put off until "tomorrow." For more on these resources, click on "Comments" and read more from Debbie.

Wrestling Woes and Whimpers

I received this text message from my sixteen year old son today, "This is the craziest thing i have ever seen".

He is a wrestler for the high school and was volunteering his time to help run an all day meet; most of the kids participating were 5th grade or below. When he got home at the end of this long day, he was shaking his head and saying again that it was the craziest thing he had ever seen.

"What was so crazy?" we wondered. "Parents." was his response. Parents provided the crazy in the day.

Parents who:

• yelled their kids
• yelled at the refs
• argued at the refs
• swore at the refs
• swore at their kids

He also witnessed one father get in the face of a ref, referenced his judgement with swear word terminology (in front of his small child), then told his son the reason he lost is because of the ref. So that was a lesson that was probably caught. (fyi...had he gotten the one point which was in dispute, the son still would have lost)
There was also this:
A second grade boy who after losing his championship match said "I suck." His dad said, "Don't say that" (Nice. Good job, dad) Then the kids said it again, "I told you I do, I told you I suck!" To which the dad replied, "I'm gonna beat your a** if you say that again." (Ummm...ok, not nice.)

Then there was the preschool boy who was wrestling, was losing and was saying to his mom through his tears, "I don't want to play anymore". This made Zach and the other guy at the points table feel bad for this little boy. Zach said, "His parents were riding him way too hard. I mean he was 4 or 5."

Zach also overheard one adult ref say that he used to think bears were the scariest animals, but then he met pee wee moms. (Ick)

There were upsides though. He enjoyed the hospitality room. Just kidding, well, not really, he actually did say that. But also, there was the parent who came up to the high schoolers at the points table after the dad yelled at the high school ref about the one point, and said "You guys did a good job at that last match." Nice.

I don't even know how to sum this up. I guess I just wanted to share the observations of a sixteen year old boy who spent the day with a bunch of cute little kids and several ugly parents.

Pizza with a Purpose

When Courtney was a high school freshman, my friend Barb gave me some great advice. Courtney had become part of a group of girls that ended up in our basement often. I wondered what to do with these girls ~ wanting to embrace them without hovering. Barb said, "Feed them."

She went on to tell me to feed them something a little special, something they maybe don't normally get. Her speciality was home-made milkshakes. Not many people make those anymore so when she broke out the blender the girls at her house felt special.

My speciality became homemade pizza. They loved it, so I made it often. I remember the evening of her junior year prom I made a pizza for after the prom, another family ended up hosting the group of kids at their house but Courtney stopped home and grabbed that pizza to take with her. I would have loved to have had the group here, but I was delighted that a part of me went with her to the other house.

She is now a college freshman, and few weeks ago she traveled to visit her friends for a weekend at their college. I received a text while she was there that said they said they missed my pizza. It made me smile. I replied that I would make it for them over Christmas break.

Tonight my basement is full of girls home from college...along with pans of homemade pizza. I love that the simple act of making pizza impacted them. As moms, sometimes we don't know if we are doing things that matter, or if anyone even notices. But I think it does and sometimes they do. These girls would be here even without my pizza, it was Courtney's invitation and presence that brought them here tonight, but something simple that I did to serve them mattered. I like that. Thanks Barb.

Something's Leaking

Courtney. My oldest child. My first unconditional love. Strong. Confident. Honorable. Beautiful. Intelligent. In many ways, wired so differently than me. This is good. This will serve her well. This also creates some challenging moments. We don't have the same path. There are many things that we see differently. Sometimes we outright disagree. Sometimes we even send messages back and forth that challenge each other. Even when it doesn't feel good, I know this is good too. Sometimes I worry. Sometimes I wonder what has and will stick from growing up within our hearts and home.

She has been somewhat pressed lately, and in that pressing things have leaked out. What has seeped out has been good. Its been strong. Its been confident. Its been intelligent. Its been honorable. Its been beautiful. It's not been easy. I'm so proud of her. I'm not sure if at her age I would have leaked out such a pleasant aroma. I surely would have been not as mature and certainly less wise.

I think this is an encouragement to us parents. What we pour in (good or bad) does take hold. Its good to be aware of, and intentional about, what that is. I'm beginning to see that our kids take what we give them and they work with it and mold it until it fits them.

Good job, my girl. Your mom thinks you're pretty terrific.

All is Calm. . .NOT

I had an opportunity to speak this morning at an American Mothers Christmas Brunch. I took a few moments to talk about how we moms set the tones for our homes and our families...and that the Christmas Season seems to be when the natural tone of our culture seems to one that is frazzled. Below is what inspired my words.

I remember distinctly standing at the stove trying to make dinner, incredibly crabby after a day with young children that seemed to have no end. My poor innocent, hard working husband walked in the door and was immediately assaulted with a barrage of complaints and commands.

He immediately used his large, loud dad voice to begin directing kids - which created more chaos and anger within me. I looked at him and said something along the lines of needing him to come in and be the one to bring the calm and peace (possibly using my nagging wife voice). Again, poor him. Imagine walking in, excited to see your family, you are assaulted before you can even put down your briefcase, you try to help and are assaulted again.

What he said has stuck with me all these years.

He said that I set the tone for the home and that when he walks in the door and I am at full throttle he just jumps in and gets up to speed as fast as he can.

I also remember what I said next, "Well that's not fair."

Whether its fair or not isn't really of any consequence. It is reality. As the mom who stays home all day and manages all that I do to run our family and our home, I do really set the tone. That doesn't mean he's off the hook and doesn't have any responsibility to redirect our course when we are heading towards the guardrail. I mean whose going to jump in the car heading off of a cliff? But he has no control over what he simply walks into at the end of his day - that's all me. Others (as in my kids) may influence that tone, but as the adult I'm the one charged with directing that influence.

Honestly, some days this feels like too much responsibility. I want to walk in the door and have someone else set the tone...and have dinner ready. (said the mom in a whiny voice) But he's right, it's my responsibility nonetheless. There is so little in life we get to control - there are so many influences that our kids face that we don't even know about. But I do have control over the tone and feel of our home. I get to use these walls and that door as barrier and create a sanctuary for us from the world.

I'm not saying this is easy or comes naturally. In fact, this can be quite challenging on a normal day. And now its December ~ and Christmas is coming. Culture is shouting, SHOP! BAKE! GET A TREE! HANG LIGHTS! DECORATE! PARTY! WRAP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! We can easily feel frazzled, overwhelmed and cranky while trying to create memories of peace, family and love. Ironic.

But, what I am saying is that with intention, we can set the tone for which we hope in our homes and families. It takes intention because if I let whatever is going on around me (or even within me) set the course, it could feel chaotic, crabby or even cold.

My encouragement to myself (because I needed this message today) and to you is this - think and pray about the tone for which you are hoping in your daily life and in this season. Then ask for some Holy Spirit whispers to help you achieve that along the way. Whether you have kids at home and the Spirit may need to shout a little, or whether your kids are grown and you will be bringing your tone to their homes over the holidays, as moms, we do indeed set a tone with our families. May it be the one we desire and may it be one that creates the calm and bright we sing of on Christmas Eve.

The Name We Bear

We had an interesting discussion at dinner the other night. We took a few minutes to allow Erin & Zach to tell Kyler what they were feeling about his latest shenanigan at school. (see previous post) It was interesting to hear their hearts, they both talked about our family name. He was told that since he is the last one to come through the school with our name, the impression he left would potentially be the impression people may end up with when our family name is spoken.

There is also concern that if the only exposure others have of our family is his inappropriate words and behavior than the impression of our family has the potential to be an inaccurate one.

OK...so I have a few things on my mind on this topic.

1. Return with honor. This is on our front door. I hope these parting words mean something to each of us. I believe every time we leave this house we are entering a world where losing honor is tempting and easy. I want each of us to care about our family name. I was touched to hear our family name and reputation mean something to our kids. No matter where you come in the line-up, you will leave behind impressions for others to walk into. Be kind. Be nice. Be wise.

2. We all bear names. Our family name, our company name, our church name, even titles. I remember when my friend Barb heard I was nominated as Indiana's Young Mother of the Year; she said (lovingly of course) the first time someone recognizes me will be at Target with my hand gripped so tightly around Kyler's wrist that my finger tips are white! So after we laughed, I thought, Well, that wouldn't represent the title so well now would it? Caring about the name we bear matters.

3. I have written about this name bearing before. It stinks; I still misrepresent the one whose name I bear. If the only exposure you ever have of Jesus is through me, then it it quite possible that I may not leave you with the most accurate impression of who he is. Through the lens of Christianity, sometimes my words and behavior are inappropriate.

4. May I remember the name of the one who bore it all for me and leave an impression that is pleasant for others to walk into.

A Day in This Life

Where is the pot? A question I never thought I'd ask a child of mine. But with this life I lead as the newish mother to this almost 13 year old boy, I find myself in situations and saying things I never thought I would, more frequently than I could have ever imagined.

I remember aching for this child while he was apart from us, and feeling full and whole when he was placed back with us. I was overwhelmed with emotion as we sat in the courtroom and claimed him as ours. I was full of joy as over one hundred people celebrated his official new last name with us.

I knew much of what he had been through (too much). I knew it would be hard at times; I had lived through that the first time he was here, when it had become unbearable. I also knew God had brought him back. Someday I will write that story, it is an amazing story that I need to reflect on in days like today, because sometimes I wonder what did we do? And I am instantly reminded it was not we who did it.

I have written about neutral before. As a mom, this is an uncomfortable gear. I don't feel like a good mom in that place, to some who live in community with me, I may not even appear to be a good mom. (Yep, I struggle with that, but it may be more perceived than real judgment because I don't even feel good about myself during these times, so how could I think others feel good about me. Again, if I can be "National Young Mother of the Year", well....just sayin')

But by the grace of God, in moments when it seems impossible, powerful feelings of love wash over me. In God's mercy, grace reigns down and floods my heart when it is parched. In God's sovereignty, peace captivates my heart when peace makes no sense.

Last week we had prescription pills go missing. Today a teacher overheard him talk about smoking pot with a kid at school. This is on top of other behaviors that have restricted his already restricted environment at school even more in the last few weeks.

I feel like I know the darkest parts of this child, parts that most people do not see (or sometime even believe are there) and even I am utterly perplexed by the things he says and does at times. Today is one of those times. (He is way too supervised to actually be smoking pot, but since those are his words, we will play this out and they will search his locker tomorrow. Maybe he will be impacted by the power of his words.)

Last week was good. The previous week was not good. The weekend was good. Sunday night was awful. Yesterday was really good. Even after all that unfolded Sunday evening, (he was full of rage due to some consequences he doesn't like) I felt so much love for him yesterday and thanked God again for showing up. And then today this happens.

I understand most of the psychology involved, I am even beginning to understand the brain science behind much of it. I read what the therapists give me. I attend therapy with him (and sometimes solo for me). I get it. But I am saying that living it out in this house, in this heart is tough sometimes.

Life is good. I have an amazing sister who helps me process his behaviors because she works with kids like him 500miles away. We have friends who pray for us constantly, friends who pour into him when we cannot, and friends who display love even with all they know. I love our life. I am blessed beyond what I could have hoped for.

We all have trials, we all have struggles; mine are not special. But as I write this blog, as I walk through this year as National Young Mother of the Year, and as I share some inspiring, funny and encouraging thoughts and moments, I also want to be authentic in some of the stuff that isn't so shiny and pretty.

God is good. All the time. He is Love. He is Grace. He is sovereign. He knows the way. I trust Him still.

A Sober Topic

Sparked by a conversation with another mom, I asked my kids their thoughts on a teen drinking issue. Their responses were so interesting that I just have to share - I hope this will spark a conversation around your table.

I asked our three older kids what they thought about the situation in which parents allow their teens to drink. There is a philosophy that teens are going to drink anyway, so its safer to have them drink in your home; the belief being that at least you have control over the drinking. (please read the articles linked below on this) I know what I believe about this issue, but was curious to hear the thoughts of our kids.

Courtney (18) immediately said it was not a good idea. I asked why. She talked about how allowing your kids to drink in the home makes the assumption that they absolutely are going to drink, almost leaving no room for them to have the option not to drink. (I am a firm believer of this...people tend to live up or down to your expectations. And what about the kids who really don't want to drink?)

She also said that once kids feel their parents have given permission to drink they will very likely at some point move that drinking out of the house. If they can handle it in the house, at some point they are likely to believe that they can handle it in other environments as well. Interesting how she sees the slippery slope.

Courtney added that "Respect for the parents might be lost, maybe not consciously, but subconsciously as they realize their parents don't hold up high standards and don't expect their children to either."

Zach's (almost 16) first response was, "Isn't it illegal to drink under the age of 21?". Very astute. He echoed Courtney with "If teens believe they can do it at home then they will believe they can do it other places as well. He continued by saying "If someone asks you if you want a drink, the thought that would run through your mind is Well, my parents already approve..."

Erin (age 13) piped in with "If your parents help you break the law on the drinking issue you may wonder what other laws don't apply to you."

I'm not kidding, these were the responses of three teenagers. If I was writing this column based on what I think about the issue, this column would be easy to disregard. But these were the words that flowed immediately out of their mouths.

I drank when I was a teen; it didn't bring about anything positive, in fact it caused problems. Because of my own experience, there was a time as a young parent, that I believed all kids drink, and there was nothing you could do about it, so just expect it. It scared me as a parent because I thought this was an issue I would have no influence over. Well, guess what? I changed my mind. At some point we decided we would expect our kids not to drink, we would express and talk about our beliefs and expectations, and hope and pray for the outcome that would keep our children wise and safe.

I'm so interested in hearing your thoughts, and your teens thoughts, on this topic. Click the comment button to leave them - talk to your teens and come back here and talk about what you discovered. You can do it anonymously if you want, but let's talk about it!

Click here and here for two really good articles on this topic.

I found these articles after I wrote this column and was fascinated that our teens responses lined up with the research. I'm not saying we have perfect kids, (we don't) I'm just saying as parents we have way more influence than we many times believe.

New Chapters

Its time to report that everything did not change on August 14, 2010.

If I felt everything changed the day she left for kindergarten, then surely everything really would change the day she left for college. The sadness I remember feeling when she left for elementary school surely could not compare to the grief I would feel as she left for college.

I remember the first time it hit me. It was spring break of her junior year. She and I were at the college for a visit. The day was sunny, beautiful and rather exciting. I remember thinking how fun it was to be doing this with her; my parents had not taken me on college visits and I was feeling blessed by the experience.

Then I glanced at her walking beside me and my chest suddenly felt crushed. It came out of nowhere. My throat constricted, my eyes welled up and the first wave of grief crashed into me.

It hit at random times over the sixteen months. The waves came more frequently those last few weeks before the move. One day while on the patio by myself a big one hit out of nowhere. I felt like my heart skipped a few beats and I had a sharp intake of breath, tears sprang to my eyes and I felt consumed as grief washed over me.

With that as my backdrop, I spent little time thinking of the upcoming moving day. The calendar just kept us moving toward it, and then rather quickly it was here. The day we moved her was beautiful; sunny and hot. The college had the whole freshman moving day thing figured out. There was an unmistakable air of excitement. We got almost everything up in one trip, laughed hard as she and I tried to figure out how to make this lofted bed! Even as I helped, I tried to stand back as she figured out where to put her items in her tiny space...so hard for a mom who loves to organize. Then it was time for lunch, then time to meet her lovely roommate and saying a quick hi to her family, off for a Target run, back for last touches and then good-byes.

She was as excited, comfortable, and confident as you could expect. She had dinner plans with Katie, her friend since second grade, and her El Salvador traveling partner. It was good. I was feeling stronger than I expected.

Then her baby sister wrapped her arms around her neck and about broke in two. Oh, oh. Tears sprang to my eyes. . .but grief stayed at bay.

Her 6'2" brother wrapped his arms around her - practically engulfing her. Pride at these sibling relationships swelled within me. . .and grief stayed at bay.

Even when her dad pulled her in for a hug. . .grief stayed at bay. When I wrapped myself around her I knew in my deepest parts that she would be fine. I was not saying good-bye. I wiped a few tears and knew I was saying hello to this amazingly, wonderful young adult daughter of mine, and new chapters were about to unfold.

I credit God with granting me strength for those moments and the ones that followed. The drive home was quiet for awhile as these siblings took in the new dynamic that would unfold as these three musketeers became the two amigos. It was good for me to be one who was strong and confident in the knowledge that we would all be okay, that indeed we would all be good.

To be sure...I miss her in this house. I miss her in my daily life.I wonder about her more times than I could count in a day. And in all of that, its still good. We parented toward this. She is making friends, being responsible, becoming independent.

Everything did not change, many things did and will. But its kind of like finding out your favorite book didn't end, there were many more chapters captured in volume two. . .and you just discovered volume two. . .and you cant wait to see where the story goes. . .

(For those of you wondering, yes we have 4 children. We did make some fun arrangements for the youngest to be home where he could experience a successful day and not cause disruption which could have been avoided. Sometimes a mom just has to make decisions like that.)

First Day of School

Many of us have traditions we follow on this day each year. Most of us mark this day with photos ~ on the porch, on the steps, by the tree, with siblings, new haircuts, new clothes, with friends and neighbors and the dog. So many emotions wrapped up in those photos...with many of those being felt by the ones behind the cameras!

One of the traditions we have is freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, ready and waiting when they walk in the door after school. I set the table, chill the glasses in the freezer, and as we share cookies and milk I hear things like what friends are in what classes, who they had lunch with, first impressions of teachers, if they got lost, how the locker combo thing went and more.

I love preparing for this. When they walk in the door I want them to instantly know I was thinking of them and that I am grateful to sit and soak up every detail of how this new year is looking and feeling to them. Its one way we mark the beginning of the new year at our house.

How do you mark the first day of school? Do you have traditions you would share with us here? Sharing parenting ideas is one of the things that makes us all better moms. Use the comment link to share your ideas. Happy 2010-2011 school year!

My oldest will start classes at college Monday, maybe I will send her cookies in a box? Hmmmm...new territory. Ideas?

Everything Changed on August 27, 1997

I wrote this on the day in which my first baby left for kindergarten...tomorrow she leaves for college. As I re-wrote it here I realized that at the time, in the place and stage we were, sending her away from me for even half a day was oh so significant. Thirteen years later I am stunned at how similar I feel as she leaves once more. Our kids...they grow and change, but a mother's heart, well...its always a mother's heart.

Everything Changed Today

The little girl climbed onto
the big yellow school bus

for the first time today.

As she climbed the large steps with ease

the mother struggled and ached with

each and every step.

When she had taken her first steps,

her mother had clapped and hoorayed,

but then it was into her father's loving

and gentle arms she had walked.

Today she walks into the unknown.

The outside world hovers ever so near,

looms ever so large...

and a
tear

rolled

down

her

face.

Had she done all she had intended

those first five years?

Was the foundation good and strong

and ready to hold up under forces that

may stand ready to tear it down?

Had she looked her in the eye enough?

Had she held her in her arms often...and long?

Had they laughed enough? Learned enough?

Lived carefree enough?

Would the big world be gentle and caring?

Would her heart, mind and body be

protected and nurtured?

As the bus pulled away, the mother did the only thing
she could, she believed in herself. She believed she offered

what she could. She believed in her little girl, believed that

she was strong and would find her own way. And she believed
in God whom she asked to guide her little girl gently and
return her safely at the end of each day.

Father, thank you for being faithful. For growing me as a mom as you have grown my children. Thank you for loving this one even more than I. Thank you for opportunites before her. Thank you for friendships you have already formed, thank you for paths prepared. May she return safely to us often. With a heavy but grateful heart. Amen.

Searching....

My favorite devotional is My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I should read it daily, I do not. In fact, I have not picked it up for months, but I am searching, and today my hands found this book again.

Truth: The life we are leading as adoptive parents to our youngest is not one I anticipated. I am grateful for the refreshing that continues to be sprinkled in here and there, and I receive that refreshment as an act of grace directly from the hand of God. But I'm not gonna kid you, its draining to feel like we can do this, and then feel like I don't know how we can do this.

There is the boy most people see who is charming, talkative, engaging, and there is the boy who puts holes & scratches in our furniture. Who steals, dents the new refrigerator, plays dumb for attention and more. The boy who can be violent towards us and who just wants his mommy...the first one God gave him. There is the boy who presents to others the clear answer...he just needs positive attention, but when we give that to him, we find all of the above damage and wonder when and why it happened. We have been working with professionals for the entire two years that he has been back, we are not doing this alone, and yet so often we feel alone in what we experience.

I know he was brought here by the hand of God. I know that. (Thank you God that I know that). But I don't see the path to healing. I don't know how to balance an ordinary life and this life that requires so much attention and focus on one child. I don't know the answers, I don't see the path, sometimes I don't really like my reactions, and due certain new behaviors, I'm not even sure we know the direction.

Except . . . I do. And Oswald Chambers used Luke 18:31, 34 to remind me.

"And all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man shall be accomplished...And they understood none of these things."

Here is the devotion that followed:

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed unmitigated disaster. Jesus Christ called His disciples to see Him put to death; He led every one of them to the place where their hearts were broken. Jesus Christ's life was an absolute failure from every standpoint except God's. But what seemed failure from man's standpoint was a tremendous triumph from God's, because God's purpose is never man's purpose.

There comes the baffling call of God in our lives also. The call of God can never be stated explicitly; it is implicit. The call of God is like the call of the sea, no one hears it but the one who has the nature of the sea in him. It cannot be stated definitely what the call of God is to, because His call is to be in comradeship with Himself for His own purposes, and the test is to believe that God knows what He is after. The things that happen do not happen by chance, they happen entirely in the decree of God. God is working out His purposes.

If we are in communion with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, we shall no longer try and find out what His purposes are. As we go in the Christian life it gets simpler, because we are less inclined to say - Now why did God allow this and that? Behind the whole thing lies the compelling of God. "There's a divinity that shapes our ends." A Christian is one who trusts the wits and the wisdom of God, and not his own wits. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity if the leisureliness of which out to characterize the children of God.

So...that was a good word for today. Thanks, Oswald. Thanks God - for reminding me once again You have a purpose, and I am overwhelmed that you trust us for it.

Now off for a bike ride with him and his little brother. (Thankful that part of God's purpose was that three of his siblings would be in a famly near to ours.)