Really, Congressman, really?!

Dear Teenagers of Mine,

Today its been all over the news that New York Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted to sending inappropriate pictures of himself to women. (after lying about it for several days) So, I have to take this opportunity to talk to you again (you know how I am) about cell phones.

I love that we have cell phones. It is a wonderful and even effective way for us to communicate. We've talked and will continue to talk about being responsible with your phones. We've talked about not texting anyone you don't know, about not texting what you would not say to someones face. We've talked about not texting excessively. We've talked about texting and driving. I've read your messages and I will continue to "spot check" your messages.If you want complete privacy, then become an adult and pay for your own phone.

Since I believe knowledge is power, let's talk again about the camera on your phone, and let's talk again about sexting, (I'm sorry that in 2011, this is the conversation I must have with you but unfortunately it is.) In 2009 the Pew Research Center found that:

• 4% of cell-owning teens ages 12-17 say they have sent sexually suggestive nude or nearly nude images of themselves to someone else via text messaging.
  
• 15% of cell-owning teens ages 12-17 say they have received sexually suggestive nude or nearly nude images of someone they know via text messaging on their cell phone.
  
• Older teens are much more likely to send and receive these images; 8% of 17-year-olds with cell phones have sent a sexually provocative image by text and 30% have received a nude or nearly nude image on their phone.
  
• The teens who pay their own phone bills are more likely to send "sexts": 17% of teens who pay for all of the costs associated with their cell phones send sexually suggestive images via text; just 3% of teens who do not pay for, or only pay for a portion of the cost of the cell phone send these images.

This data reminds me that there are many peers around you not thinking. It reminds me that you are at risk for sending, but even more at risk of receiving an inappropriate text message. It reminds me there are many around you not being inappropriate but also, that many around you are being appropriate.

Sometimes I forget what you are up against as you navigate through this life. But today I was reminded (via all network and cable stations) that sometimes even grown-ups who we trust to be wise and appropriate, are not. Sometimes even those we deem intelligent and living above reproach, are not.

My every expectation is that you will display wisdom, boundaries, maturity and purity with that phone in your pocket. That you will be more responsible and mature than even some adults. I believe in each of you.

Love,
Mom

Here's a good resource, That's Not Cool.  
Here is one more true great resource on this topic.

The Team

I believe being on the team, in the band or part of the club is important in school - especially in high school. Yesterday I saw another reason our kids' involvement can be vital.

Through football and wrestling, Zach has come to know Landon pretty well. Landon lost his dad to cancer last Monday. I cannot imagine. The grief my son felt on behalf of his friend was apparent. He immediately did what he could to let Landon know he was there for him.

Yesterday was the funeral. It was something to see so many students sitting as a group in the front of the church. The support these kids showed was a sign of community, care, friendship and love. On one side of the church, the grief of the family penetrated the entire room. On the other side of the church the quiet support of the kids made a statement no one could miss. We are here for you.

One of the football coaches spoke about the first time he met the father, Tim. Tim had introduced himself and when the coach mentioned what a hard worker Landon was, Tim asked if the coaches would also help him watch his grades. Instant community, a village mentality, let's help each other, all of this was there. A support team created for the family as well as the son.

The coach also spoke about the night the father took him aside after a game and told him about the cancer. He and his wife were going to tell their three kids that evening and wanted the coaches to know. The father was asking the coach to look out for his son, he was in for some rough times in the next days. At one point he also told the coach, I may not be around for Landon's senior year, watch out for him for me.

Because the son was a part of a team, the father had a team to tap and the assurance that someone had his back.

Being a part of the team, band or club is important, it gives our kids a place to belong and connect. It creates accountability, character, discipline and more. It also creates a circle, which can close in tight when needed. It grants influence and assistance to other adults who can be there when we cannot.

Rest in peace Tim Hughes. The team has stepped up to the line.

Guest Blogger ~ Zach on Zach's Trip to El Salvador



Helio, Quito, and Me

Well I am writing on my mom's blog today about my trip to El Salvador. My dad and I went with a group of people from Habitat for Humanity. We left on Saturday March 19th and got back the following Saturday, the 26th.

There we experienced many cultural differences like when we went to the market and people were selling things that they had made to make a buck for their family, and this seemed to be the prime place for people to sell and buy just about anything. I quickly noticed that the language barrier was not a big deal. Now, I'm in Spanish 3 in school, but I also learned quickly that three years of Spanish in school does not help a whole lot in a country where everything is spoken in Spanish. I could translate a little and understand some, but that was the extent of it. But we got our main ideas across, and on most days had a professional translator.

I'm just going to throw this out there, everyone in El Salvador is poor. But, all of them are also happy. I did not encounter a single person who was mad because they didn't have the latest T.V. or car or a big house; they were happy with what they had. Who can say that here in America? Us Americans feel the need to have the newest things, newest technology, we treat material wealth like it's a competition. Like that Best Buy commerical where everyone is mad because they just bought something and they learn that there is a newer one out. I'm just saying, maybe we can learn from the El Salvadorians.

Our Work Group

So we should be happy with what we have and be happy with our friends who have the newer things. Because in the end, are you happier just after you bought the new 3D T.V., or after you helped change someone's life? I realized that I was just helping to build a house, they were helping to change me as a person just by living their lives.

I will definitely go back next year, not only because I can help build a house, but because I can witness some of the happiest people on the planet, and walk with them to reach that same level of joy. Because this happiness is not something that you can get with material items, but by sharing the love of God. I think everyone should go on a mission trip because you realize how you can change the world, not only by providing help to others in some way, but also by providing help to yourself.

Hanging On So I Can Let Go

I remember that it was very exciting when we began college visits for Courtney. I also remember the first pain that hit my chest as I suddenly realized how much everything was about to change, and how very much I would miss her.

I recently realized that next year at this time we will be doing the same thing with Zach. He will be mostly through his junior year at this point and the process will begin again...with another child of mine.

Last week Courtney sent me a text message that said she was on campus and had seen a guy who looked much like Zach. She said it made her heart hurt a little as it made her realize that very soon Zach will be that old. I wonder if that meant she felt the first twinges of realizing that as they each move to the next stages, our family structure will change and none of us really knows what it (we) will look like when we get there.

All of this makes me wake up even more to the little, every day things that make up who we are. Soon this 6'2" blond boy of mine will have his license, so for today I enjoy dropping him off and picking him up. I hug him a little more tightly as we say good night because I can. His sense of humor brings much laughter and lightness to our family and I don't want to imagine how we will all miss that, so for today I wrap myself in it.

As these kids of ours become young adults I realize more and more, that this is it. The time I have right now is the time that is really mine. And it is fleeting. Most of us are in the same house (we're all in the same house when Courtney is home from college). We're all in the same state. There are no spouses. There isn't a lot of competition for family time. The nuclear family is intact. And so for now I will take in, soak up, and hang on to what is in order to prepare to let go, so that I can embrace what is to come.

Pizza with a Purpose

When Courtney was a high school freshman, my friend Barb gave me some great advice. Courtney had become part of a group of girls that ended up in our basement often. I wondered what to do with these girls ~ wanting to embrace them without hovering. Barb said, "Feed them."

She went on to tell me to feed them something a little special, something they maybe don't normally get. Her speciality was home-made milkshakes. Not many people make those anymore so when she broke out the blender the girls at her house felt special.

My speciality became homemade pizza. They loved it, so I made it often. I remember the evening of her junior year prom I made a pizza for after the prom, another family ended up hosting the group of kids at their house but Courtney stopped home and grabbed that pizza to take with her. I would have loved to have had the group here, but I was delighted that a part of me went with her to the other house.

She is now a college freshman, and few weeks ago she traveled to visit her friends for a weekend at their college. I received a text while she was there that said they said they missed my pizza. It made me smile. I replied that I would make it for them over Christmas break.

Tonight my basement is full of girls home from college...along with pans of homemade pizza. I love that the simple act of making pizza impacted them. As moms, sometimes we don't know if we are doing things that matter, or if anyone even notices. But I think it does and sometimes they do. These girls would be here even without my pizza, it was Courtney's invitation and presence that brought them here tonight, but something simple that I did to serve them mattered. I like that. Thanks Barb.

Sometimes...

Sometimes its just hard being a mom.

Sometimes its probably hard being the kid.
Sometimes it must feel hard to move from kid to young adult.

Pause.

The countdown is on...3 more days of school!

We are right on the edge of no schedules, fewer commitments, longer days, sleeping in and late movies! This is always my favorite time of year, although it is a little different this year as the end of this school year also means the end of high school for our oldest daughter.

Which means we have a graduation party around the corner, which also means there's lots going on here that involves paint brushes and patios and even carpet....yep, right to the front of the line on that craziness. So in the busyness it could be easy to not take time to explore some of the feelings that occasionally are popping up, but today something caught my attention and I paused.

It was almost as if the little girl version of my daughter skipped across my mind. I tried to catch her before she was out of sight, but I couldn't.

I found myself thinking about how quickly it now seems that she went from that adorable little girl to the mature, beautiful and intelligent young woman who graces my life today. It seems as if we are abruptly coming to the end of parenting her as we have known it thus far. But of course it didn't happen suddenly. It happened gradually, one stage at a time, and a new stage is on its way again.

I wonder how my heart will feel when she is not here daily. I wonder how often I will look for her, long for her. I wonder if I have planted in her to this point all that I intended, all that I could, all that I should. I felt a tear begin in my chest, move slowly to my eye and slide gently down my face.

In the craziness of the busyness, I will pause to catch the real life girl here in my home before she is just out of reach.

Present Your Request

Senior skip day… our daughter had hinted that she wanted to participate in this “rite of passage” and eventually asked straight out if she could skip school. We heard that everyone else was, as well as a group of friends were headed to an amusement park for the day and she really wanted to go with them. The problem on our end was that she had missed a few days last fall when that fever flu was going around, she missed a day for a family trip, a day for the adoption of Kyler, and she missed 5 days for her Habitat for Humanity trip to El Salvador. She was at the maximum of parent excused days before they label her truant and consequences begin. (Nice Young Mother of the Year material right there.) Our leaning was towards not letting her participate in this “rite of passage“.

Being a little unsure of the answer we should give her, I did what I do when I don’t really know what to do, I go to someone who has gone before me. I was sitting with my friend Kathy and explained the situation, then asked what she thought. Without hesitating she said to let her go. When I asked her why, she said that the experience would be meaningful and memory making during this very transitional time in her life. She was bound to get more out of that experience than she would sitting in school when most of the senior class was out. Hmmmm…something to think about.

One of the processes we have in our home is when you have a big request that you would like to make, you just may be asked to gather your thoughts, call a meeting and present your request to this parental unit. (Remind you Queen Esther?) This process allowed Courtney to have a parakeet for a pet when she was in 7th grade, have us consider a trip she wanted to make to visit a friend at college (the answer was no), and more.

What I like about the process is that the request has to be really well thought out and you have to be clear about what you want and why you want it. We also learn more about the thoughts and reasons in their heads and hearts than we might otherwise know. Sometimes they can change our minds, sometime they cannot.

The meeting date arrived last week and we were asked to gather at the computer as our daughter opened a power point presentation. Impressive. The slide show included friend testimonies, a slide called Teacher Tolerance with quotes from teachers (along with email addresses so we could confirm these were actual quotes), a slide giving data regarding an unscientific poll in class regarding who would be in school on senior skip day, a schedule of assignments she would miss while gone, a slide letting us know she had contacted the doctor’s office and they had granted a written excuse for the 3 days she was sick with the flu last fall(making the truancy issue disappear). It also explained why this was important to her and that she was willing to bear, without complaint, any consequences she would receive from the school.

I share this story with you because originally I didn’t think much about this process that we have, but when I stopped at the school to ask what the consequences would be if she skipped school, they explained the possibilities to me and then asked if I wanted to just give them her name and then I wouldn’t have to call in that day. I said, no, she has a presentation to make to us about why she thinks this is more valuable than being in school. They seemed impressed, commented with smiles about our making this educational and mentioned all seniors skipping should have to go through this process.

The other day someone said that kids today are so entitled. Well, if they are, then we have allowed that. I’m not advocating that we have given the right answer here to the skipping question before us, I’m just saying, lets not just hand our kids whatever they ask. Let’s help them become smarter advocates and less entitled.

Her request was indeed granted. Sometimes I surprise even myself with our answers. And now I enter into prayer for this group of kids as they make their way to the amusement park tomorrow. My heart will be anxious as I await the message that they have arrived safely. sigh...another topic for another day...still parenting while letting go.

A No Phone Zone

My baby girl had her 13th birthday party on Friday night. I love it when a group of friends gather at our house. I love hearing them talk and laugh and I love providing a place for connection. I did something this year that started last year at her 12th birthday party...I made the party a "No Phone Zone".

I went downstairs after the girls had arrived and a few of the girls were texting while sitting in the group, I asked to take the phones and put them up in the kitchen as this party would be a "No Phone Zone". One girl said I was kind of like Oprah. (!?) Another girl said something about us doing this last year and gladly offered me her phone. Each girl who had a phone handed it right over and a few girls, one who had a phone, and one who did not, even thanked me!

I was talking to my 17 year old daughter about it the next day and she said that the whole texting thing is definitely a distraction and many times a peer pressure thing. She said that sometimes you are sitting in a group and many people are texting and if you are not, you sit there kind of awkwardly and so you get out your phone just so you don't feel so awkward.

This sounded almost unreal to me, but it is the truth of where much of our culture is right now. And navigating it as a mom (or dad) can be confusing and frustrating. But navigate it we must. Our young kids should not take the lead on this, we need to be their guide. We need to create the boundaries because they don't necessarily have it within them to create them on their own. When the crowd moves, most move with it. (I do anyway)

Let's keep talking to our kids about cell phones and texting and expectations and manners; empower them to stand apart from the crowd. Let's help them to be brave, and stand with them when they feel lonely. Let's keep talking to our kids about this.

It's easy to not understand the pressures our kids are under each and every day. Its convenient to judge what they are doing without understanding the culture they move within. We may not have the answers, but remember, our kids don't either...let's walk alongside them in this world of instant technology that can feel oh so captivating.

I'm curious to hear your feedback on this, leave your comments below!