Today

Its been a tough week with the youngest. I knew welcoming this one back two and a half years ago and his adoption at age eleven would present some challenging times. I knew that. I trust that God has placed him in our hearts and in our home. I do.

I also admit that sometimes I am afraid. Afraid that I am not up to the challenge. Afraid that he will never change. Afraid that although God could heal him at any moment, that He may not. Afraid because he has evolved from a boy who cannot be trusted to a teen who cannot be trusted. Afraid that when my heart gets to this place, that it may not find its way out.

Fear. This is not a good place to be parenting from. I know this too. Fear not. Have faith. Be strong and courageous. My help comes from the Lord. Be encouraged. Even this, the Lord has overcome. I know all of this too. I do.

Today I have cried on Kevin's shoulder, and I have resolved to make a therapy appointment for myself this week. I do not have hope today, but Kevin does, so he will have it for both of us.

When I began this blog last year as the National Young Mother of the Year I made a commitment to be authentic. This post may border on raw, but it is real. I met a woman in Utah a few weeks ago who said she appreciates when I write about the challenges of this adoption. She said I have a voice for the many adoptive families that are experiencing feelings of inadequacy and frustration. I also recently spoke with a mom who heard from a mutual friend that we have experienced some challenges and was wondering if we could set up a time to talk as they are as well and don't really know where to turn.

Although I hate these feelings, they are real, and it never occurred to me that others would benefit from these struggles. But if some can benefit from reading about texting, drinking and presentations, and others can benefit from some of our hardships, then it is good to share from both of these places.

Trusting in the Lord and leaning not on my own understanding, this is how I know I will come out of this. But for today, this is where I am.

Searching....

My favorite devotional is My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. I should read it daily, I do not. In fact, I have not picked it up for months, but I am searching, and today my hands found this book again.

Truth: The life we are leading as adoptive parents to our youngest is not one I anticipated. I am grateful for the refreshing that continues to be sprinkled in here and there, and I receive that refreshment as an act of grace directly from the hand of God. But I'm not gonna kid you, its draining to feel like we can do this, and then feel like I don't know how we can do this.

There is the boy most people see who is charming, talkative, engaging, and there is the boy who puts holes & scratches in our furniture. Who steals, dents the new refrigerator, plays dumb for attention and more. The boy who can be violent towards us and who just wants his mommy...the first one God gave him. There is the boy who presents to others the clear answer...he just needs positive attention, but when we give that to him, we find all of the above damage and wonder when and why it happened. We have been working with professionals for the entire two years that he has been back, we are not doing this alone, and yet so often we feel alone in what we experience.

I know he was brought here by the hand of God. I know that. (Thank you God that I know that). But I don't see the path to healing. I don't know how to balance an ordinary life and this life that requires so much attention and focus on one child. I don't know the answers, I don't see the path, sometimes I don't really like my reactions, and due certain new behaviors, I'm not even sure we know the direction.

Except . . . I do. And Oswald Chambers used Luke 18:31, 34 to remind me.

"And all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man shall be accomplished...And they understood none of these things."

Here is the devotion that followed:

God called Jesus Christ to what seemed unmitigated disaster. Jesus Christ called His disciples to see Him put to death; He led every one of them to the place where their hearts were broken. Jesus Christ's life was an absolute failure from every standpoint except God's. But what seemed failure from man's standpoint was a tremendous triumph from God's, because God's purpose is never man's purpose.

There comes the baffling call of God in our lives also. The call of God can never be stated explicitly; it is implicit. The call of God is like the call of the sea, no one hears it but the one who has the nature of the sea in him. It cannot be stated definitely what the call of God is to, because His call is to be in comradeship with Himself for His own purposes, and the test is to believe that God knows what He is after. The things that happen do not happen by chance, they happen entirely in the decree of God. God is working out His purposes.

If we are in communion with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, we shall no longer try and find out what His purposes are. As we go in the Christian life it gets simpler, because we are less inclined to say - Now why did God allow this and that? Behind the whole thing lies the compelling of God. "There's a divinity that shapes our ends." A Christian is one who trusts the wits and the wisdom of God, and not his own wits. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity if the leisureliness of which out to characterize the children of God.

So...that was a good word for today. Thanks, Oswald. Thanks God - for reminding me once again You have a purpose, and I am overwhelmed that you trust us for it.

Now off for a bike ride with him and his little brother. (Thankful that part of God's purpose was that three of his siblings would be in a famly near to ours.)