Home for the Summer

I posted on my new blog address today.
You can read about the
7 Ways I was Intentional with My College Girl this Summer right here!

More than Enough Room

Have you ever gone back home as an adult, walked through the doors and slid back into the role, or position, you had as a child? Do you suddenly become the baby, middle or eldest? The favorite, the prince, the ornery one, the trouble maker, the responsible one, or the peace maker? I have been thinking about this a fair amount as I anticipated Courtney returning for the summer after her first year away at college.

One of the joys of parenting these kids is seeing who they are becoming. I believe the basics of personality and character are in place, but there is so much more of them yet to unfold. As I wrote here, it has been a year of change for each of our kids. I took a little time to talk to the baby and the middle one the day we drove to retrieve the eldest. :) I brought to their attention that they had each changed and grew in this past year and that I hoped that they would walk in that change even as things went back to feeling "normal" with the return of their sister.

We send our kids off to the next phase (college or independent living) with hope and expectation of growth and change. So I believe its important to not put them back into their same places when they come back home; they won't really fit there anymore anyway, and this is a good thing. I want my kids to leave home and then be comfortable coming back bigger, broader, and wiser. But I'm not sure this comes naturally to us parents, for me it has been an intentional thought process.

I heard a mom say today that she was disappointed when her family didn't do an Easter egg hunt this year. (her kids are in college and high school) She said that no matter how old her kids get, she wants them to hunt for eggs. This sounds to me as if she is trying to preserve what has been...for her sake. But I think when we do that we prevent what is...for all of our sakes.

I get that I am new at this stage of parenting. I know that I don't even know what I don't know. I believe there are seasoned parents reading this who have experiences of which I am completely unaware and may be shaking their heads at how naive I am.

I just know that if I expect my kids to quit changing because it makes me sad then I will miss out - and they may end up pretending to be someone they are not...just to seem like they fit. That is exactly the opposite of what we taught them - please don't be someone you're not just to fit in.

So, welcome home Courtney, stand tall Zach, Erin and Kyler. You are each becoming really great young adults and there is room enough in this mother's heart and mind to accommodate all that you are and all that you will become.

Making Room

Our family has grown ~ it happened while Courtney was at college.

As we were driving to pick her up and move her back home for the summer, I realized there had been much growth over the past nine months. We need to make room not only for all the stuff coming back home, (where are we going to put that futon?) but we are going to need to make room for all the growth as well.

Erin grew into her spot as the only other woman in the house. She became even more helpful, more intuitive, and grew in responsibility and maturity. She grew into herself a little more, she is more confident and carries herself a little taller. Her relationship and even friendship with Zach definitely grew, I see her rely on him in ways she hadn't before. I have heard them laugh and seen them help each other in new ways these past nine months. She sobbed when her sister and best-friend moved out, but now rejoices as she makes room for her to come back and share her room again.

Zach also grew - he stands not only taller, but sturdier as well. He easily slid into the leader of the pack spot when Courtney went to college. He grew in reliability and strength. His shoulders became broader not only physically but relationally. I saw him use them to allow Erin to lean into him when things with Kyler have been chaotic. I remember one day in particular when Kyler went into a rage, Zach cheerfully said, "Hey Erin, let's go outside and play catch." He knew to remove his little sister from the environment that felt a little scary. He has grown in his faith and even in character. Also, in a few short weeks he receives his license and we will need to make room in the drivers seat as we go from two to four drivers. 

Courtney is not the same young woman we left in that dorm room nine months ago. She grew so much this year. She, too, is much more confident. She returns with wisdom and life experience gained while forging her way through life while away from us. She comes back to us with new personal strength as well as cooking skills! (She has requested to make dinner twice this week ~ I'm not gonna kid you, this is an area that delights me!) She drinks coffee now, is used to keeping her own hours, and to coming and going without checking in. She has grown in ways that have changed her at the right time and in the right ways.

Our family is growing, and this must propel us forward. We must expand and widen who we are and how we see each other to make room for all this growth. I will write my thoughts about that next time....

(Kyler has grown as well. To be honest, as I sat down to write this I was discouraged to not be able to measure his growth in obvious ways, but I realize one significant growth area. When we brought Courtney to college, he was not allowed to go with us, his behavior was such that he would have ruined this important and significant day for the family. (It was on the advice of his therapist that we find an alternative way for him to spend that day) When we made plans to move her back home, we didn't even question taking him with us. It felt good to have our family together that day and so I do measure and count that growth.)

5 New Parenting Responses

Our daughter just went back to college after being home for spring break. The parenting style that was effective when she was a teen living in our home wouldn't be effective now that she is adult-ish and making her way in the world. So I need to grow with her.

One of the things I love about being a mom is the challenge to keep moving. If I stayed in the same place in my parenting, I would be standing alone. To maintain influence in her life, I need to change and grow as well.

Here are a few of the ways I can measure some of my movement:

1.  Letting her sleep until the afternoon without saying anything other than "You must have been tired" (Compare that to, "Don't you think its time to get up?")

2.  Not expecting her home for dinner. The conversation went something like, "What time do you want me home from dinner?" My response was along the lines of, "Well, we are eating at 6:00, but I don't expect you home. I get that you're home on spring break and heading out with friends, if you make it home, great, but if you have other plans, have fun!

3. Though she had an interview in the morning and it was getting late, I did not text her and tell her it was time to come home so she would be well rested. I trusted her to make her own decision.(This one was a little harder, but I did it!)

4. When having a discussion, I was very cognoscente that she trusted me to confide in and that I needed to be trustworthy to respond in a way that drew her near, not pushed her away.

5. I didn't do her laundry. I let it sit all week in her room. I didn't harp on her all week about this.

I am new to this role of parent to a young adult and since she is the one affected by how I live out this position, I value her input.The night before she left to go back to school, we talked about how the week went. With summer on the horizon, it seemed important to ask her if there was anything she felt that didn't go very well. What I love is that she asked me the same question.

Although I am confident I will need to recalculate my navigation on this new path once in awhile, for right now I believe we are headed in the right direction.

I love learning from others, what do you have to share about your journey in parenting a young adult?

Hanging On So I Can Let Go

I remember that it was very exciting when we began college visits for Courtney. I also remember the first pain that hit my chest as I suddenly realized how much everything was about to change, and how very much I would miss her.

I recently realized that next year at this time we will be doing the same thing with Zach. He will be mostly through his junior year at this point and the process will begin again...with another child of mine.

Last week Courtney sent me a text message that said she was on campus and had seen a guy who looked much like Zach. She said it made her heart hurt a little as it made her realize that very soon Zach will be that old. I wonder if that meant she felt the first twinges of realizing that as they each move to the next stages, our family structure will change and none of us really knows what it (we) will look like when we get there.

All of this makes me wake up even more to the little, every day things that make up who we are. Soon this 6'2" blond boy of mine will have his license, so for today I enjoy dropping him off and picking him up. I hug him a little more tightly as we say good night because I can. His sense of humor brings much laughter and lightness to our family and I don't want to imagine how we will all miss that, so for today I wrap myself in it.

As these kids of ours become young adults I realize more and more, that this is it. The time I have right now is the time that is really mine. And it is fleeting. Most of us are in the same house (we're all in the same house when Courtney is home from college). We're all in the same state. There are no spouses. There isn't a lot of competition for family time. The nuclear family is intact. And so for now I will take in, soak up, and hang on to what is in order to prepare to let go, so that I can embrace what is to come.

Mourning into Dancing....

I expected to have a rough time when our daughter left for college, but am finding that I am doing pretty well with the adjustment. However, Sunday mornings catch me off guard. The first Sunday morning tears streamed down my face the entire time of worship and prayer. Which was weird because I had felt fine as I walked into church. Then the next Sunday I made it through worship but tears resumed their trail down my face while our pastor prayed. Hmmmm...What is going on? I wondered.

Then I realized that for the last fifteen years, Sunday mornings have been a time for our family to all be in one place, worshipping with the same music, agreeing in prayer over the same prayers, hearing the same message and then sharing thoughts over lunch. One place...all of us. Almost every single Sunday. Now, one was missing.

Courtney was home the next two Sundays so those Sundays felt "normal". Then she was back on campus this past Sunday. The worship song was Our God is Greater by Chris Tomlin. When we sing this song I most often think of our adopted son and am reminded that God is greater than any past or present force that is against him, and I claim these words as truth and victory.

Today as I was thinking of him, my mind suddenly shifted to Courtney and then I could not stop smiling as I was quickly filled with joy! I felt in that moment that she was in church somewhere and that she was indeed worshipping God along with us. Maybe not with the same song, and there would be different prayers, as well as a different message. But our God was greater than any distance, greater than any force that could separate her from 15 years of building that relationship with Him.

I found out later that afternoon that she indeed was at a church,
worshipping at the same time. Seriously, our God is awesome.

New Chapters

Its time to report that everything did not change on August 14, 2010.

If I felt everything changed the day she left for kindergarten, then surely everything really would change the day she left for college. The sadness I remember feeling when she left for elementary school surely could not compare to the grief I would feel as she left for college.

I remember the first time it hit me. It was spring break of her junior year. She and I were at the college for a visit. The day was sunny, beautiful and rather exciting. I remember thinking how fun it was to be doing this with her; my parents had not taken me on college visits and I was feeling blessed by the experience.

Then I glanced at her walking beside me and my chest suddenly felt crushed. It came out of nowhere. My throat constricted, my eyes welled up and the first wave of grief crashed into me.

It hit at random times over the sixteen months. The waves came more frequently those last few weeks before the move. One day while on the patio by myself a big one hit out of nowhere. I felt like my heart skipped a few beats and I had a sharp intake of breath, tears sprang to my eyes and I felt consumed as grief washed over me.

With that as my backdrop, I spent little time thinking of the upcoming moving day. The calendar just kept us moving toward it, and then rather quickly it was here. The day we moved her was beautiful; sunny and hot. The college had the whole freshman moving day thing figured out. There was an unmistakable air of excitement. We got almost everything up in one trip, laughed hard as she and I tried to figure out how to make this lofted bed! Even as I helped, I tried to stand back as she figured out where to put her items in her tiny space...so hard for a mom who loves to organize. Then it was time for lunch, then time to meet her lovely roommate and saying a quick hi to her family, off for a Target run, back for last touches and then good-byes.

She was as excited, comfortable, and confident as you could expect. She had dinner plans with Katie, her friend since second grade, and her El Salvador traveling partner. It was good. I was feeling stronger than I expected.

Then her baby sister wrapped her arms around her neck and about broke in two. Oh, oh. Tears sprang to my eyes. . .but grief stayed at bay.

Her 6'2" brother wrapped his arms around her - practically engulfing her. Pride at these sibling relationships swelled within me. . .and grief stayed at bay.

Even when her dad pulled her in for a hug. . .grief stayed at bay. When I wrapped myself around her I knew in my deepest parts that she would be fine. I was not saying good-bye. I wiped a few tears and knew I was saying hello to this amazingly, wonderful young adult daughter of mine, and new chapters were about to unfold.

I credit God with granting me strength for those moments and the ones that followed. The drive home was quiet for awhile as these siblings took in the new dynamic that would unfold as these three musketeers became the two amigos. It was good for me to be one who was strong and confident in the knowledge that we would all be okay, that indeed we would all be good.

To be sure...I miss her in this house. I miss her in my daily life.I wonder about her more times than I could count in a day. And in all of that, its still good. We parented toward this. She is making friends, being responsible, becoming independent.

Everything did not change, many things did and will. But its kind of like finding out your favorite book didn't end, there were many more chapters captured in volume two. . .and you just discovered volume two. . .and you cant wait to see where the story goes. . .

(For those of you wondering, yes we have 4 children. We did make some fun arrangements for the youngest to be home where he could experience a successful day and not cause disruption which could have been avoided. Sometimes a mom just has to make decisions like that.)

Everything Changed on August 27, 1997

I wrote this on the day in which my first baby left for kindergarten...tomorrow she leaves for college. As I re-wrote it here I realized that at the time, in the place and stage we were, sending her away from me for even half a day was oh so significant. Thirteen years later I am stunned at how similar I feel as she leaves once more. Our kids...they grow and change, but a mother's heart, well...its always a mother's heart.

Everything Changed Today

The little girl climbed onto
the big yellow school bus

for the first time today.

As she climbed the large steps with ease

the mother struggled and ached with

each and every step.

When she had taken her first steps,

her mother had clapped and hoorayed,

but then it was into her father's loving

and gentle arms she had walked.

Today she walks into the unknown.

The outside world hovers ever so near,

looms ever so large...

and a
tear

rolled

down

her

face.

Had she done all she had intended

those first five years?

Was the foundation good and strong

and ready to hold up under forces that

may stand ready to tear it down?

Had she looked her in the eye enough?

Had she held her in her arms often...and long?

Had they laughed enough? Learned enough?

Lived carefree enough?

Would the big world be gentle and caring?

Would her heart, mind and body be

protected and nurtured?

As the bus pulled away, the mother did the only thing
she could, she believed in herself. She believed she offered

what she could. She believed in her little girl, believed that

she was strong and would find her own way. And she believed
in God whom she asked to guide her little girl gently and
return her safely at the end of each day.

Father, thank you for being faithful. For growing me as a mom as you have grown my children. Thank you for loving this one even more than I. Thank you for opportunites before her. Thank you for friendships you have already formed, thank you for paths prepared. May she return safely to us often. With a heavy but grateful heart. Amen.