A Love Letter

Our 21st Anniversary

Dear Kevin,

When I walked down the isle twenty-one years ago and took your hand, I had no idea what the future held, but I knew whatever it held, I would experience it with you. I didn't know then that the love I was feeling was just the surface, I was completely unaware of the depth and width of that love.

Our move to Michigan made for a few hard years in this marriage, but again, I was only seeing the surface. The hardship of that time helped us to grow. It became the season that our roots became grafted together so that our tree could grow sturdy and strong. The hard, rocky surface gave way to rich soil which has produced good fruit.

The miracle of the births of Courtney, Zach and Erin brought joy and wholeness to us. But again, it was tough stuff that came first. The first months of those pregnancies brought much throwing up, nurses, doctors, hospitals, IV's, and day in and day out hardship. You carried us through all of those months with your steady love, attention, and sacrifice. I will never forget how you loved me so well. You worked all day, and took care of me and then each of the subsequent little ones as we waited each pregnancy for the hyperemesis to end.

The miracle of Kyler coming into our lives to become our child brought a new level of trust and faith in God to our marriage. What a horrible time it was as we watched, prayed and advocated for him. It was by the hand of God that he made his way home and completed this family of ours.
 
I loved that on our ten year anniversary we renewed our wedding vows. Though we had always believed in God, attended church regularly and had all the right verses read at our wedding, we had a desire to put Him in the center of our marriage. Having renewed our individual relationships with Him, we wanted to mark the season when we intentionally put Him as the head of our marriage. This was good, and I love this marker in our marriage.

I knew twenty-one years ago when I married you that I was marrying someone I could trust completely. I knew you were good, kind, thoughtful and strong. Again, only the surface, over twenty-one years, I have seen what is beneath that. It is integrity, character, ethics, values, and faith.

On that day, twenty-one years ago, I believed that because we loved each other it would always be easy. How naive! It has taken intentional efforts, difficulties, sacrifice, forgiveness, grace, God, humor, hope and even a little counseling to stand on the other side of these twenty-one years.

As I write this today, I look into the future and I believe in twenty-one more years I will see even more depth. We will have more experiences, more family members, maybe even more moves. There will be grander and deeper roots and more precious fruit.

Just like our wedding day, I have no idea what the future holds, but I know who holds our future, and I know whatever it is, I will experience it with you.

With all my love,
Sheri

Love is....Sometimes Hard

Kevin and I were talking about our marriage last night. We are 20 years into this thing and we were talking about what makes it work for us. I told him I thought much of the credit went to him; he is very self-sacrificing. He has a focus on making sure he meets my needs, (and also many of my wants). He puts me first...a lot.

He said I get much of the credit because I hold things together. He sees me as the one to make sure things get done. I am the organizer and accomplisher of many things for our family.

I don't think we keep score. Let's face it, if we did, we would each have our eye on each others weaknesses, and according to what we said about each other, we would each fall short...constantly. Instead, it appears we have our eyes on each others strengths, and give credit where and when credit is due. We appreciate and are thankful for what we each bring to our marriage.

We weren't always this way - early on we were more protective of our own selves. I'm not sure we trusted each other completely to meet each others needs, we probably put more effort in guarding what we felt entitled to. Our focus was more on our own selves than on each other. It took marriage classes, books, guidance, mentoring and even a little therapy to trust each other with each other.

Many of us have had this passage read at our weddings, Love is patient, love is kind... This sounds beautiful as the pastor reads it and we stand in the church with our hands together and our eyes locked in love.  I have to admit it sounds completely different when I am tired, angry, hurt, empty and selfish. It is then when I need to make this verse more personal...

Sheri is patient.
Sheri is kind.
Sheri does not envy or boast.
Sheri is not proud.
Sheri does not dishonor others.
Sheri is not self-seeking.
Sheri is not easily angered.
Sheri keeps no record of wrongs.
Sheri does not delight in evil, but rejoices in truth.
Sheri always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I'm not sure my purpose in sharing this here today. Maybe its just that sometimes marriage is hard. By nature, we are selfish. Maybe we all need the reminder to take our eyes off the other person and put it back on ourselves as we run ourselves through the filter of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7.

Maybe reminding myself of the higher calling of love in marriage will help me continue to love Kevin well.

Kevin Steps in

As I write this, it is exactly one week from the day that Sheri will watch a mother be named American Mothers, Inc.’s 2011 Young Mother of the Year. We will no longer be able to refer to Sheri as THE Young Mother of the Year. We kid her that she will need to “give up her crown.” The reality is that there is no actual crown, and Sheri is even more humble about her abilities to parent today – especially when she compares herself to the other mothers in her network – than she was when she was named the 2010 Young Mother of the Year.

In honor of the passing of an age I decided to hijack Sheri’s blog and share the words I spoke at an event honoring Sheri this past year:

“Before I met Sheri I had a mental picture of what my wife would be like. She would be perfect in every way. Perfect hair, perfect face, perfect body, perfect judgment, always said the perfect thing at the perfect time – perfect, perfect, perfect. Then I met the Sheri, the woman I would befriend, fall in love with, marry - the woman with whom I would start a family. As it turned out, she was not perfect. However, it is in her imperfection that Sheri has become an incredible mother.

When our children were very young, Sheri recognized that she was not a perfect parent, so she sought help. She signed us up for parenting classes. She read books. She found mothers who had walked the parenthood path before she did and sought their council. She has taken every opportunity to learn to be a better mother.

Because she is not perfect, Sheri has made parenting mistakes and has learned from them. She has developed a set of experiences and tools that cover a wide variety of parenting issues. Mentoring younger mothers is a passion of Sheri’s. Since she has shared similar struggles, she is able to relate to young mothers’ challenges and is a very credible and sought after mentor.

And since Sheri has never been perfect, she has made mistakes in her life. Through those experiences she has been able to relate to our children’s struggles. She is able to anticipate trouble, and can speak to our kids from a place of empathy and compassion. They do not feel judged, they feel understood.

There is no better proof of this than the words of our eldest daughter written for a scholarship application prior to Sheri receiving the national title:

‘My mother’s wise advice, peaceful demeanor, and balanced life have not gone unnoticed, and she recently was nominated for the Young Mother of the Year award. She is currently Indiana’s nominee for Young Mother of the Year. This acknowledgment is something of a joke in our family, as my mother would never seek attention or reward for her efforts to be the best mother she can be. My mother is, truly, an amazing woman. She is selfless. She is resourceful. She is wise, intelligent, and empathetic. Her ability to know how people are feeling and relate appropriately to their emotions is impressive and even uncanny. Most teens vow never to become like their mother, but I aspire for the opposite: I hope that when I have my own children, the guidance and love of my mother shines through my character.’  ~Courtney Carlstrom, 2010

So Sheri is not an incredible mother in spite of her imperfection. She is an incredible mother, mentor, friend, and wife because she is not perfect and has used that to her very best advantage.

Sheri – we love you and are very proud of you. You deserve every acknowledgement you receive. You are OUR Mother of the Year EVERY year. Love, Kevin

This is a note to any husbands reading this blog entry: (Wives, feel free to show this to your husbands) Mother’s Day is coming. Write your wife a note letting her know why she would have your vote for Mother of the Year. It will be a gift she will cherish.

All is Calm. . .NOT

I had an opportunity to speak this morning at an American Mothers Christmas Brunch. I took a few moments to talk about how we moms set the tones for our homes and our families...and that the Christmas Season seems to be when the natural tone of our culture seems to one that is frazzled. Below is what inspired my words.

I remember distinctly standing at the stove trying to make dinner, incredibly crabby after a day with young children that seemed to have no end. My poor innocent, hard working husband walked in the door and was immediately assaulted with a barrage of complaints and commands.

He immediately used his large, loud dad voice to begin directing kids - which created more chaos and anger within me. I looked at him and said something along the lines of needing him to come in and be the one to bring the calm and peace (possibly using my nagging wife voice). Again, poor him. Imagine walking in, excited to see your family, you are assaulted before you can even put down your briefcase, you try to help and are assaulted again.

What he said has stuck with me all these years.

He said that I set the tone for the home and that when he walks in the door and I am at full throttle he just jumps in and gets up to speed as fast as he can.

I also remember what I said next, "Well that's not fair."

Whether its fair or not isn't really of any consequence. It is reality. As the mom who stays home all day and manages all that I do to run our family and our home, I do really set the tone. That doesn't mean he's off the hook and doesn't have any responsibility to redirect our course when we are heading towards the guardrail. I mean whose going to jump in the car heading off of a cliff? But he has no control over what he simply walks into at the end of his day - that's all me. Others (as in my kids) may influence that tone, but as the adult I'm the one charged with directing that influence.

Honestly, some days this feels like too much responsibility. I want to walk in the door and have someone else set the tone...and have dinner ready. (said the mom in a whiny voice) But he's right, it's my responsibility nonetheless. There is so little in life we get to control - there are so many influences that our kids face that we don't even know about. But I do have control over the tone and feel of our home. I get to use these walls and that door as barrier and create a sanctuary for us from the world.

I'm not saying this is easy or comes naturally. In fact, this can be quite challenging on a normal day. And now its December ~ and Christmas is coming. Culture is shouting, SHOP! BAKE! GET A TREE! HANG LIGHTS! DECORATE! PARTY! WRAP! SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! We can easily feel frazzled, overwhelmed and cranky while trying to create memories of peace, family and love. Ironic.

But, what I am saying is that with intention, we can set the tone for which we hope in our homes and families. It takes intention because if I let whatever is going on around me (or even within me) set the course, it could feel chaotic, crabby or even cold.

My encouragement to myself (because I needed this message today) and to you is this - think and pray about the tone for which you are hoping in your daily life and in this season. Then ask for some Holy Spirit whispers to help you achieve that along the way. Whether you have kids at home and the Spirit may need to shout a little, or whether your kids are grown and you will be bringing your tone to their homes over the holidays, as moms, we do indeed set a tone with our families. May it be the one we desire and may it be one that creates the calm and bright we sing of on Christmas Eve.