A BIG Goal Reached

Kyler has wanted a Nintendo DS since he entered our home three years ago. Unfortunately for him, I have never purchased one of these gaming units for my kids, nor will I. Undeterred, I have seen this "gift idea" show up on birthday and Christmas lists, all to no avail.

A year ago I suggested he start saving for one. I talked about moving from simply wanting something to doing something to get it. This did not appeal to him. Then he received a twenty dollar gift card to Target for his birthday. I suggested instead of running to Target to see what he could spend it on (his idea) he should start a "DS Envelope" in his budget plan. We got on-line to check out the cost of a DS, this seemed exciting and daunting to him at the same time.

A little reluctantly, he created an envelope and put the gift card in that envelope. Each month when he receives his budget he delegates income to his "Tithe", "Savings", "Spending" and "DS" envelopes. Saving for this item over the past nine months has been an exercise in staying power and delayed gratification. This was especially true when he told the neighbor boys what he was saving for and they each offered to sell him their old devices, which Kyler then wanted to purchase.....he just wanted the DS now.

Seven months into the savings plan, he had almost all the money he needed when he scratched one of my tables in the living room...on purpose...to be destructive. This type of destruction has been an ongoing problem, so I needed to figure out a new consequence. I told him since the table was a recent purchase, he would take his DS money and go to Target (he is so lucky I bought that little table there!) and buy me a new table without scratches. OUCH. That rather hurt. (which means it was an AWESOME consequence).

Added to the table set-back, Kyler also has a history of paying a lot of fines to me at the end of the month. Each time this happens I remind him he has control over these fines and if I were him, I'd rather see the money go in my envelopes instead of my mom's wallet. The last two months he has indeed been fine-free and has enjoyed the benefit of being able to keep his entire monthly budget.

Yesterday was the first of the month - budget day at our house - and he finally, after nine months, had enough money to purchase the Nintendo DS (+tax...oh the realities of purchases). It was kind of exciting driving to Target with all that cash in his hand and hopefully a sense of accomplishment in his heart. When we got home, he was very excited and had it open within seconds!

He has to have learned much through this process, I am hoping he picked up on these big ones:

• He has control over his "wants".
• He can achieve BIG goals over the long term.
• A little becomes a lot over a period of time.
• Waiting to get what he really wanted was worth it.
• Pride in himself for accomplishing this goal.

Its hard to say what he will pull out of this experience, he still doesn't share a lot of his feelings, but I do feel this was a priceless lesson, and I am so proud of him.

Click here to read about how we teach our kids to manage money.

My Time with Mr. Trouble

With Zach and Erin off at church camp this week and Courtney working all day, its just me and Mr. Trouble at home all day, every day, all week. I'm gonna be honest, I was not looking forward to this. In fact, quite selfishly I was trying to figure out if there was a camp I could send him to this week. (I know, real Young Mother of the Year material right there). I was envisioning me at home all day, every day, all week...all by myself.

But I have to say its been a nice week with just him. I am grateful for the time we have had together. When school let out two weeks ago, his spirit relaxed and day to day interactions have been more pleasant. I have him signed up for a conditioning class three mornings a week at the high school and that is going really well. I believe it adds structure to his week, and the hard exercise is probably good for his whole being. I also have him make a weekly chart of daily goals. I think its important for him to set some goals so that he feels like he is accomplishing something.

In errands we have been running, he has been very helpful to me and even expressed gratitude when I bought him a hot dog and some ice-cream the other day. He swept the front porch for me last evening and asked if we could put the clean sheets on his bed together. 

He was working a few days ago with a mentor of his and Kyler told him his summer was going great. When Mr. Carroll asked him why he thought that was, Kyler said it was because Zach was gone, and then added that Erin was gone and that Courtney was working all day. (Now at that time Zach and Erin had been gone 1.5 days, not the entire summer!)

When I told this to my sister, she said, what he really was saying was that he is happy for the time with just me. He just said it without saying it. He's fiercely loyal to his birth mom and has a very hard time attaching to me, but this was his way of expressing a connection to me without really saying it.
Hmmmmm....

Whatever the feeling, whatever the reason, I am glad for this week. I have shared some tough times here with Mr. Trouble, and so I was excited to share that this week he has been known to me as Mr. Enjoyment.

A Few Days Later

"Today" (below) could not have been titled Moment. I knew the anxiety and despair I was feeling was running fairly deep. That is why I chose to write about it here, because this is where I share my tale. Like the real world, sometimes you will come to visit and my house is in order and we will talk about the funny and good stuff going on, but sometimes you will come over and my house is cluttered and there are piles on literally every surface. (Where does all this paper & clutter come from?!)

I didn't expect anything from that post, I just wanted to be real with you. There is some good stuff going on in this journey and there are also some really hard times ~ such is each of our lives. What I received from sharing this hard part was some great encouragement. Some of you posted prayers, encouragement or even your story in comments here, some on Facebook and others via private message or email. I have read them all. Thank you.

The last few days haven't been easy, the anxiety hasn't disappeared (although it is more moments than complete days right now). I have been reading the Bible and praying daily. Its been interesting to see that as I pray one day, I will read verses the next day that echo my prayers from the previous day. My daughter said she believes this is God affirming that He is hearing my prayers.

Friends have been praying for us, and have shared verses and devotions with me (which has been great, God's word is the best word right now). On Monday I was reading and Proverbs 24:16 stood out ...for though the righteous fall seven times, they will rise again... I shared this with a friend and she wrote back, that she believes I will rise again, but that until I do, she will lay with me where I have fallen and pray over me. This image has been a powerful one.

My point in sharing this today is that I believe on some level its easier to not let others in when we are buried in clutter, have fallen or feel overwhelmed. We can feel embarrassed or ashamed about what that looks like. We try to protect ourselves from the judgment of others. But what I have found over the last few days is that though the situation hasn't resolved,  (and I am seeing the therapist tomorrow and I did go to the gym today...doing what I can to be healthy in mind, body and soul) the despair is beginning to dissipate and the anxiety is more moments than days. God has been able to reach me in multiple ways using people because I let you see the mess.

If you are in a tough spot today, consider opening the door and letting someone in. Know that all of us have clutter on the counters sometimes (and the table, and dresser and washing machine). Know that when you allow others to wade through the mess with you, in turn they may allow you to lay down and pray over them when they fall.We learn we can trust each other for each other.

Today

Its been a tough week with the youngest. I knew welcoming this one back two and a half years ago and his adoption at age eleven would present some challenging times. I knew that. I trust that God has placed him in our hearts and in our home. I do.

I also admit that sometimes I am afraid. Afraid that I am not up to the challenge. Afraid that he will never change. Afraid that although God could heal him at any moment, that He may not. Afraid because he has evolved from a boy who cannot be trusted to a teen who cannot be trusted. Afraid that when my heart gets to this place, that it may not find its way out.

Fear. This is not a good place to be parenting from. I know this too. Fear not. Have faith. Be strong and courageous. My help comes from the Lord. Be encouraged. Even this, the Lord has overcome. I know all of this too. I do.

Today I have cried on Kevin's shoulder, and I have resolved to make a therapy appointment for myself this week. I do not have hope today, but Kevin does, so he will have it for both of us.

When I began this blog last year as the National Young Mother of the Year I made a commitment to be authentic. This post may border on raw, but it is real. I met a woman in Utah a few weeks ago who said she appreciates when I write about the challenges of this adoption. She said I have a voice for the many adoptive families that are experiencing feelings of inadequacy and frustration. I also recently spoke with a mom who heard from a mutual friend that we have experienced some challenges and was wondering if we could set up a time to talk as they are as well and don't really know where to turn.

Although I hate these feelings, they are real, and it never occurred to me that others would benefit from these struggles. But if some can benefit from reading about texting, drinking and presentations, and others can benefit from some of our hardships, then it is good to share from both of these places.

Trusting in the Lord and leaning not on my own understanding, this is how I know I will come out of this. But for today, this is where I am.

Journey....Moving

I last wrote here about the journey with our adopted son. I was waiting at that time with a prayer, a plan and hope.

Well, we are still on the journey and I can tell you that its good to be moving again. The new medications are helping him to have more room to make the right choice more often. The new therapy and therapist seem to have met up with us at the right time and in the right place; confirmation to me that God has the map and we seem to be on the right path.

When we left therapy yesterday the therapist commented that he was very cooperative, this was great news because last week he was anything but cooperative. As we drove home I commented on his willingness to engage in the session and this is what he said, "Well, I figured God is taking me to a new place, so I will just go."

This is good. Actually its great. It made my heart smile. May he leave behind some baggage so that he can move to his new place a little less hindered.

As we drove, Lift Up Your Face, Salvation is Coming played again on that radio. "Its almost over", the whisper came again. May it be so.

Prayer, Plan, Hope

October 30, 2010 was a day in which I found myself looking in the mirror and seeing someone who was coming up blank. I wasn't tired, sad, angry, not even particularly empty. Blank is the word that fit. Kyler had had his most violent and destructive rage to date. I was at the sink and just looking in the mirror; thinking about absolutely nothing. It was then when I "heard" these words, "Its almost over."

I have been beyond asking God for some time now for an answer or an ending. I do ask him constantly to show the next step. These words that floated through my head were something I wanted to grab and claim, but...

We have been as proactive as we can be. We had finally received approval for a full psychological evaluation, the testing had occurred and in two days we were receiving the results. We were hopeful for a new direction in therapy but his being accepted into this practice was contingent on what the evaluation revealed.

I like a plan. (nodding yes right now if you know me, right?!) Get the evaluation 4 Get the results. 4 Get the referral for the new therapist. 4 Get accepted into her practice. 4 Begin new therapy. 4 Wait in hope for new behaviors to emerge.

"Its almost over." Right. I want this more than anything. For him. For us. Lift Up Your Face keeps playing on the radio in my car. I receive this song as hope. I want to believe its almost over. For him. For us.

Back to The Plan: Get the evaluation. a Get the results. a Get the referral for the new therapist. a Get accepted into the new practice. a Begin new therapy a(first appointment is in nine days) An added step - yesterday we had an appointment with the psychiatrist to review his medications. Based on the insight provided in the evaluation, there has been a change in his medications. (It's almost over ran through my mind as I sat in her office and listened.)

As we drove home Lift up Your Face played again. I almost cried. I reached over and patted him on the leg. I want to hold him, but a pat on the leg is what he can take in. So this is what I give.

Why share all of this here? I ask myself. The answer ~ I'm a writer; its how I work things out. This blog is to share my journey in this year of wearing the National Young Mother of the Year title, and this is indeed part of my journey. Some of my journey is quite funny, some of it uplifting and good and I promise you - some of it is hard. Is this not true of all of our lives? If sharing in real and raw ways helps anyone else on a difficult journey than I have done my job as a writer.

If its indeed almost over, how awesome to be able to come back here and give God the glory. If its not almost over, then I will still come back here and give God the glory. I feel as if have been in the furnace a few times already and I have not burned up. God's faithfulness is evident even with the fire still going.

Standing in hope. a

A Day in This Life

Where is the pot? A question I never thought I'd ask a child of mine. But with this life I lead as the newish mother to this almost 13 year old boy, I find myself in situations and saying things I never thought I would, more frequently than I could have ever imagined.

I remember aching for this child while he was apart from us, and feeling full and whole when he was placed back with us. I was overwhelmed with emotion as we sat in the courtroom and claimed him as ours. I was full of joy as over one hundred people celebrated his official new last name with us.

I knew much of what he had been through (too much). I knew it would be hard at times; I had lived through that the first time he was here, when it had become unbearable. I also knew God had brought him back. Someday I will write that story, it is an amazing story that I need to reflect on in days like today, because sometimes I wonder what did we do? And I am instantly reminded it was not we who did it.

I have written about neutral before. As a mom, this is an uncomfortable gear. I don't feel like a good mom in that place, to some who live in community with me, I may not even appear to be a good mom. (Yep, I struggle with that, but it may be more perceived than real judgment because I don't even feel good about myself during these times, so how could I think others feel good about me. Again, if I can be "National Young Mother of the Year", well....just sayin')

But by the grace of God, in moments when it seems impossible, powerful feelings of love wash over me. In God's mercy, grace reigns down and floods my heart when it is parched. In God's sovereignty, peace captivates my heart when peace makes no sense.

Last week we had prescription pills go missing. Today a teacher overheard him talk about smoking pot with a kid at school. This is on top of other behaviors that have restricted his already restricted environment at school even more in the last few weeks.

I feel like I know the darkest parts of this child, parts that most people do not see (or sometime even believe are there) and even I am utterly perplexed by the things he says and does at times. Today is one of those times. (He is way too supervised to actually be smoking pot, but since those are his words, we will play this out and they will search his locker tomorrow. Maybe he will be impacted by the power of his words.)

Last week was good. The previous week was not good. The weekend was good. Sunday night was awful. Yesterday was really good. Even after all that unfolded Sunday evening, (he was full of rage due to some consequences he doesn't like) I felt so much love for him yesterday and thanked God again for showing up. And then today this happens.

I understand most of the psychology involved, I am even beginning to understand the brain science behind much of it. I read what the therapists give me. I attend therapy with him (and sometimes solo for me). I get it. But I am saying that living it out in this house, in this heart is tough sometimes.

Life is good. I have an amazing sister who helps me process his behaviors because she works with kids like him 500miles away. We have friends who pray for us constantly, friends who pour into him when we cannot, and friends who display love even with all they know. I love our life. I am blessed beyond what I could have hoped for.

We all have trials, we all have struggles; mine are not special. But as I write this blog, as I walk through this year as National Young Mother of the Year, and as I share some inspiring, funny and encouraging thoughts and moments, I also want to be authentic in some of the stuff that isn't so shiny and pretty.

God is good. All the time. He is Love. He is Grace. He is sovereign. He knows the way. I trust Him still.

Trunks and Tears

I shed tears today over my 12 year old son. Finally. Its been a long several months, and its been a very intense several weeks.

When he was adopted at age 10 out of foster care, he came carrying some heavy luggage...steamer trunks really. Much too heavy and cumbersome for a boy to even have within his possession. But they arrived with him nonetheless. Beyond being heavy, they are black, they leave scuff marks everywhere and quite honestly, they don't smell very good.

Little by little and with much help, we are trying to empty them. But the process has become quite complicated and I found disconnecting helped me. With practice I have been able to move around in neutral quite well. The thing about neutral is, it doesn't get you anywhere. My car allows me some functions in neutral, but not many. Time to find the gear shift, but it has felt out of reach.

Today he returned to school after being out on suspension. As we walked into the school this morning we talked about feelings and how to be brave today to face the consequences of his choices over the past several weeks. I sat in the principals office with him as they described what his school day would look like from now until the end of the year.

He was mad. Angry. The steely look in his eyes was back, his face set, his voice harsh. Instantly I felt so sad. This day will not go well. Two days ago, that would have made me mad, frustrated, worried. Today it made my heart swollen and tears fall...and this is good. Neutral wasn't really getting us anywhere anyway.