Thursday, May 20, 2010

Trunks and Tears

I shed tears today over my 12 year old son. Finally. Its been a long several months, and its been a very intense several weeks.

When he was adopted at age 10 out of foster care, he came carrying some heavy luggage...steamer trunks really. Much too heavy and cumbersome for a boy to even have within his possession. But they arrived with him nonetheless. Beyond being heavy, they are black, they leave scuff marks everywhere and quite honestly, they don't smell very good.

Little by little and with much help, we are trying to empty them. But the process has become quite complicated and I found disconnecting helped me. With practice I have been able to move around in neutral quite well. The thing about neutral is, it doesn't get you anywhere. My car allows me some functions in neutral, but not many. Time to find the gear shift, but it has felt out of reach.

Today he returned to school after being out on suspension. As we walked into the school this morning we talked about feelings and how to be brave today to face the consequences of his choices over the past several weeks. I sat in the principals office with him as they described what his school day would look like from now until the end of the year.

He was mad. Angry. The steely look in his eyes was back, his face set, his voice harsh. Instantly I felt so sad. This day will not go well. Two days ago, that would have made me mad, frustrated, worried. Today it made my heart swollen and tears fall...and this is good. Neutral wasn't really getting us anywhere anyway.


  1. God is faithful! He will finish the work He began in your precious son. You experienced his pain with him today...just as Jesus does daily with each of us. God gave you the strength at just the right time! He's using you tremendously in so many lives. Thanks for your vulnerability,
    I'm praying!

  2. Leave it to God to use tears as a sign of progress. Your family is continually in my prayers friend.

  3. This is an example of exactly why you are Mother of the year. You just love this child unconditionally & keep trying to help him. Believe me, you are a true blessing in his life. Will keep praying for you.

  4. Sheri, Barry was just commenting about the joy that I have in my circumstances right now that bring tears to my eyes when I talk about what is going on. He commented that it was such a sign of God's work - to produce those tears of joy in me. And when he said that I immediately thought of you...that I have not seen your tears lately about your circumstances - not for joy, but for sadness. And in that momement I prayed for God to move your heart to tears. Because in tears whether in joy or in sadness God is present. As sure as a mustard seed will move a mountain, so you and your faithfulness will move this mountain in front of you. A cry is better than a Halleluia. I love you.

  5. God Gives us neutral to survive when those around us are stuck and can't move, God gives us gears when we are ready to move on, and God gives us tears when we must move on, but those we love are still stuck in neutral and we have to wait for God to move them on. All in God's time:

    There's a peace I've come to know
    Though my heart and flesh may fail
    There's an anchor for my soul
    I can say, It is well

    Jesus has overcome
    and the grave is overwhelmed
    The victory is won
    He is risen from the dead

    And I will rise
    When He calls my name
    No more sorrow, no more pain
    I will rise, on eagle's wings
    Before my God
    fall on my knees,
    and rise...
    I will rise

    God has a plan to move him forward in God's gears - Praise God Amen!!

  6. The report from school yesterday was that he had a good day. Surprised and grateful.

  7. Love you, friend, and I'm thankful for your tears.

  8. -sigh of relief-
    I'm so glad he had a good day! Thank you Jesus for that sweet surprise. :)

  9. So thankful that God gave you a glimpse of that emotion outside of neutral.... sometimes, we do need neutral in order to survive.... but glad that you got the glimpse, too.... :) -Deanna


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...