Hanging On So I Can Let Go

I remember that it was very exciting when we began college visits for Courtney. I also remember the first pain that hit my chest as I suddenly realized how much everything was about to change, and how very much I would miss her.

I recently realized that next year at this time we will be doing the same thing with Zach. He will be mostly through his junior year at this point and the process will begin again...with another child of mine.

Last week Courtney sent me a text message that said she was on campus and had seen a guy who looked much like Zach. She said it made her heart hurt a little as it made her realize that very soon Zach will be that old. I wonder if that meant she felt the first twinges of realizing that as they each move to the next stages, our family structure will change and none of us really knows what it (we) will look like when we get there.

All of this makes me wake up even more to the little, every day things that make up who we are. Soon this 6'2" blond boy of mine will have his license, so for today I enjoy dropping him off and picking him up. I hug him a little more tightly as we say good night because I can. His sense of humor brings much laughter and lightness to our family and I don't want to imagine how we will all miss that, so for today I wrap myself in it.

As these kids of ours become young adults I realize more and more, that this is it. The time I have right now is the time that is really mine. And it is fleeting. Most of us are in the same house (we're all in the same house when Courtney is home from college). We're all in the same state. There are no spouses. There isn't a lot of competition for family time. The nuclear family is intact. And so for now I will take in, soak up, and hang on to what is in order to prepare to let go, so that I can embrace what is to come.